Friday, September 10, 2010

Don't "One-Up" Your Husband

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Proverbs 31:10-11

Sweet wives, I am sharing for us today because I think we are more guilty of doing the "one-up" on our husbands than they are of doing it on us. This post could really be titled "Don't One-Up Your Spouse". However, I want to encourage and challenge we wives.

This suggestion of not one-upping your husband may seem silly and inconsequential, but the root of "one-upping" is usually pride, disrespect or jealousy. So, as we yield our hearts to the Lord in our marriages, not one-upping our husbands can bear bountiful, beautiful fruit because it springs forth from humility. Let's talk about it today.

What is one-upping? Well, here is what says:

"having gained an advantage in some way that betokens success, especially over rivals"

"Having gained an advantage...especially over rivals." Just that definition makes me cringe! Do I want to gain an advantage over my husband? No, not at all. I am his helpmate. Walking together with my husband as the leader is my desire. Is my husband my rival? No. We are bonded together in Christ in the most sacred earthly union and we are to cleave to one another.

So, how can we not one-up?

When your husband has an idea, let it be. Don't try to improve it or add on to it. Just let it be. We women are good at tweaking our husband's ideas. He doesn't need our tweaking. If he has an idea for a date night for the two of you or for a family outing, thank him for his thought, tell him it is a wonderful idea and appreciate his heart behind it. Be sure to tell him at the end how much you enjoyed the time together and his choice of activity.

If your husband is sharing a personal success in conversation with others, sincerely build him up and show your respect for him. Don't start talking about one of your endeavors or a recent success you have had. Rather, share how proud you are of him and how thankful to the Lord you are for your husband's achievement. Rejoice with him and let him have the spotlight.

There are many ways we one-up our spouses; these are just two. One-ups can be loud and boisterous. They can also be subtle and seemingly sweet. One-ups can be private or public. Either way, one-ups tear down. We want to build our house. The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

The condition of our hearts before the Lord, as with all things, is the issue. If our hearts are postured in humility, love and wanting the best for the other person, we will not one-up in any fashion. Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD...I have heard you, declares the LORD. 2 Kings 22:19

We are to be our husband's helpmate, not his rival. We are to build him up, not tear him down. The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

In his book Sacred Influence, Gary Thomas says this:

"The typical man remains unmoved by power plays or criticism or by a wife who disrespects him. He's moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go."

Avoiding the trap of one-upping our husband may seem like a small detail in marriage, but respect, admiration and submission are the fruitful root of avoiding the one-up trap. Our husbands are moved by our respect and godly submission.

When our husbands are moved, they lead and they grow. As Christian wives, our heart's desire for our husband is that he would always grow in the Lord and lead us with integrity and confidence. I like what Linda Dillow says below. Interchange the word "change" to "grow".

"Your husband will change [grow] as you allow him to be head of his home and as you are submissive to him. He will not change [grow] by your nagging, belittling, suggesting, reminding or mothering." - Linda Dillow

Building up and encouraging our husbands contributes to our becoming worth-far-more-than-rubies wives! Let's be mindful of not one-upping our husbands. Rather, let's move them by our honor, respect and admiration.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Phil. 2:3



Mom to 9 Blessings! said...

Beautifully said!

Love it and such wise words :-)

Blessings to you!


Great wisdom in this post...

The quote:
"The typical man remains unmoved by power plays or criticism or by a wife who disrespects him. He's moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go. - Linda Dillow"

This is one of the hardest things to do for women these days ~~
TO ALLOW the husband to be the head of his home ~ even if he has no idea how to do that.

But the end of the quote gives HOPE for our role of wife and home caregiver....

I love those last words,
"helps him get where he wants to go."

Your last Scripture from Phil 2:3 is key to any relationship - but especially one of husband and wife.

Encouraging post today for those in marriage relationships,who now must HEED [obey] these words to bring about the family home that God desires.

Blessings, Stephanie

Warren Baldwin said...

My wife is good about not doing the one-upping thing. But, on ocassion, she will get the better of me on something, smile, and say, "I got you." wb

Warren Baldwin said...
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Kelly Combs said...

Sharon this is really wise. I may 'one-up' thinking I am being a helpmate by tweaking his ideas. I never considered it from this point of view. Thanks for the tip!