What Makes a Dad

What Makes A Dad

God took the strength of a mountain, The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun, The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature, The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages, The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring, The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity, The depth of a family's need,

Then God combined these qualities, When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,

He called it ... Dad

~Author Unknown~

Pretty high praise for a dad here! And I like it! I don't know if we are always that deserving of the praise provided here, but for those dads who ...

- place a priority on the home

- work hard to not let work encroach upon family functions

- honor their sons as young men

- honor their daughters as young ladies

- honor their wives as best friends, lovers, life partners, one flesh

- honor God above all ...

this praise may be fitting.

The bad fathering we see done, and the generational problems that ensue, might cause us to question the wisdom of the above poem. But when we see a dad playing ball with his kids, catching them at the bottom of the slide, carrying them around on his shoulders, and walking into the worship assembly with them, we know a masterpiece is still possible.

Warren Baldwin

(Note: Photo compliments of Amy Free Photography

Questions for Dads

Questions for Dads

To help facilitate our growth as husbands and fathers it helps to assess where we are now. Some questions posed by Gene Johnson and Mike Yorkey in Daddy’s Home can help.

1) What were your greatest concerns when you first learned that you were going to be a father?

2) In what ways are your style and actions as a father influenced by the personality and behavior of your own father or of another mentor?

3) What good role modeling are you offering to your children right now? What changes in role modeling would you like to achieve? (P.47)

Most of what we understand about our roles as husbands and fathers have likely come from our fathers. If our dads had good relationships with their wives and kids, then we probably received some healthy mentoring and role modeling. But if the key relationships of our dads were strained and broken, we may be carrying around some faulty views of our own about what our roles are.

Asking these basic questions can at least inform us as to how and why our perceptions have been shaped the way they are. We may then say, "Hey, my role models haven’t been that good. And if I am going to function as a husband and father the way my mentors did, I need to do some changing or my family could be in trouble."

The truth is, all of us, no matter how healthy or unhealthy our past may be, can learn and grow as a person, a Christian, a husband and a father. We can seek out other mentoring and educational opportunities for our growth and development. Two good places to look: healthy adult men in your church and good books recommended by a Christian counselor or minister.

May God bless us as we grow in the grace, mercy and ministry of God for the health of our families.

Warren Baldwin

Parenting Heritage

PARENTING HERITAGE

Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention, and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. When I was a boy in my father’s house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live." —Proverbs 4:1–4

We become what we were raised to be. Much of the process is unconscious. It happens naturally as we grow up and go about life.

I like baseball and hunting. When I was just a boy, even before I was old enough to carry a gun myself, I went hunting with my dad, grandpa, and a couple of uncles. It was just something our family did. It was the same with baseball. My grandfather bought me one of my first baseball gloves. I used to go to his house to watch ball games. My dad coached my brothers and me for years. Little by little, without fanfare or awareness, I became an enthusiast for the woods and the ballpark. I have now passed on that same enthusiasm to my own kids.

Our parenting style is something we were developing when we were still little kids. We didn’t think about it, we didn’t reflect on it, and we didn’t consciously develop it. We became the parents we are today by the parenting style we were raised under when we were two years old, five years old, thirteen years old, and eighteen years old. We were parented to be parents.
Such a reality is at the same time both frightening and exciting. It is frightening because if the parenting style we were raised under was not sound, our parenting style won’t be either. If our parents were neglectful or abusive, there is a good chance we will treat our kids in the same way. On the other hand, if our parents’ style was healthy, then our style likely will be as well. If we were loved and nurtured, we will tend to practice that same kind of care toward our own children.
In Proverbs 4:1–4, when Solomon is passing on instruction to his son, he draws from his own experience as a boy and the parenting care he received from his mom and dad. When he refers to himself as tender and the only child of his mother, you can picture Bathsheba’s gentle care for him. When he refers to being a boy when his father taught him, you can see David sitting at the dinner table, saying, "Son," and then passing on some words of fatherly care and advice. Now, as an adult, Solomon draws from that experience and practices the same level of care with his own son.

When we become adults, we generally parent like our parents, but we don’t have to be locked into a certain pattern. If our parents had an unhealthy style, we don’t have to parent as they did, and we don’t have to engage our kids the way our parents did us. As adults, we can reflect. We can think and say, "You know, I like the way my parents handled some situations but not the way they handled others." We can decide to be more patient, compassionate or involved than we perceive our parents to have been.Dr. Phil McGraw says there are two common ways of reflecting the parenting style of our parents. One, we parent our own children just the way they parented us. If they hollered at the kids for any infraction, then we probably will as well. The second response is to react against the way our parents raised us. If we regard our parents as having been too strict, we may become overly lenient (Family First, p. 67).

I think the important thing to realize is this . . . we have a choice in the kind of parents we will be. With proper reflection, dependence upon the Word, prayer, and continued mentoring from and accountability to older Christian parents with a proven track record in parenting, we can incorporate the very best of our parents’ style into our own approach to parenting. We can enhance our parenting legacy with the instruction of our parents and the ongoing instruction we can receive from other Christian people God puts in our lives.

Warren Baldwin

(This essay is from Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks and Other Gems from Proverbs)

Like Digging For Gold

LIKE DIGGING FOR GOLD

My son, perseve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight. Proverbs 3:21

"Wes hit me." My daughter reported this incident about her brother with tears in her eyes.

"Did you hit Jenny?" I asked Wes.

"No, I didn’t," he said, with a look of total innocence in his eyes.

"Then why is she crying?"

"It’s not because I hit her."

Both my seven year old son and four year old daughter were either telling the truth (which couldn’t be happening) or were playing their roles so convincingly that I didn’t know which one to believe. Jenny was in tears so something obviously had happened. She convinced me that Wes had hit her. But Wes spoke with such conviction that he didn’t hit his sister I wanted to believe him, too.

One thing Cheryl and I learned with little kids is that you have to keep asking questions. At a very young age children learn the power of language. They can convince mom and dad they need ice cream and persuade grandma and grandpa they need seconds all with the power of words. Too young they develop techniques of manipulation that wrap us around their little fingers.

One of my two kids was working some of these techniques on me this day. Was it the one crying or the one declaring innocence?

From Cheryl I learned that you have to keep digging. Getting information from children is comparable to searching for gold in the side of a mountain: you have to dig, examine the evidence you unearth, evaluate it, and then dig some more, continuing to repeat the process. Over time, you may find some gold. And truth.

I felt like a prosecutor in the courtroom cross-examining a witness. I had some basic evidence and I had two eye witnesses, though they were giving conflicting testimony. I had to try a different tack.

Wes, why don’t you just show me what happened to your sister. Notice this wasn’t a question, it was an invitation to action. "Show me." Wes opened his hand and swung it through the air. "Is that what you did to Jenny?" I asked.

"Yes."

"That is hitting. Why did you tell me you didn’t hit her if you did?"

"No dad, that isn’t hitting, that is slapping. Hitting is if you make a fist and punch someone. I wouldn’t do that to my sister."

In the next several minutes my four and seven year old received vocabulary and ethics lessons. They were so young to learn the words ‘nuance’ and ‘semantics,’ but if they were old enough to play the game, they were old enough understand the significance of it. The ethics lesson was about truth and honesty, and not misrepresenting either by fancy play with words. This particular lesson was buttressed with some punishment.

This conversation was a great breakthrough for me as a father, because since this incident I’ve observed not only my three, but many other children, control a conversation through semantic play, withholding vital information, and playing ignorant. A parent need not panic if they realize this kind of competitive sparring is going on in conversations with their children. It is normal and natural. It means the kids are thinking through situations, are learning to use the language in creative ways, and are forcing their parents to parent.

You read that last line correctly. When children engage in language manipulation, they force us to parent. For the good of our children, for the integrity of the home, for the continued respect for our authority and role as dad and mom, we must engage the communication process with our kids. For me to have dismissed my two kids that day with, "Oh, just get out of here and stop it" would have left my daughter with a sense of injustice and my son with a sense of victory. Both kids would also have learned that with proper nuancing of terms and manipulative techniques they could by with anything. Respect for their mom and me would have diminished.

I had to enter the verbal contest, search for the nugget of truth, and act on the nugget I discovered. In the process I spent time with my kids and was able to teach them the value of purity of heart and honesty of communication.

When we slow down enough to spend time with our kids in these kinds of conversations, they learn something besides the topic under discussion. They learn that mom and dad will take the time to talk to them and reach the truth. They learn the value of integrity. They learn judgment and discernment. They learn how to behave properly. And they learn that mom and dad love them.

Warren Baldwin

Note: Thanks to Christina for sparking my memory and giving me the idea for this post with her very good article, "Wasn’t My Fault" on her blog, Change of Plans.

Listen, My Son

LISTEN, MY SON

"Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching." Proverbs 1:8.

Twenty-six times Solomon writes, "my son" followed by an exhortation such as, "Listen my son," or "My son, do not forget ..." Solomon is offering some concrete instruction to bolster his son’s insight and moral conditioning. There is a great emphasis in Proverbs for a son or daughter to listen to what Solomon has to say. His advice is right in line with what Christian parents today tell their kids. There is an emphasis here for children to listen to their moms and dads and to apply the lessons they teach about love, marriage, hard work and honesty.

There is an important lesson for the parents here as well. It is as important for the parents to teach as it is for the children to listen. Our kids can’t listen and they can’t learn if we are not actively instructing them. I think we parents make two grave mistakes when it comes to teaching lessons of life to our children.

One, we think they will pick up the important lessons from us by observation. Many lessons they will. "More is caught then taught" is often true. But not always. They may catch our behavior, but what about the mental processing behind our behavior? My children were not there when I picked their mother to be my wife. Why did I pick her? Was I attracted to her looks? Was I more attracted to her values and morals? Did I know before we married that she really wanted to be a wife and mother? The answer is "yes" to all these questions. But my kids can’t know that apart from me telling them. I have told them, many times. I want them to know the critical issues involved in selecting a mate for life, for choosing moral behavior, for working hard. These things are too important to be left to chance!! They must be taught. By teaching them, we equip them to make wiser choices than they would have made on their own.

Two, we think we can expect obedient behavior "because we say so." That is parental authority, and it works great when the kids are little. They wouldn’t understand detailed explanations anyway. But, what about when they grow older and begin making decisions on their own? Or when they are away from us? What is it that internalizes our values into their hearts? There comes a time when "because we say so" must give way to "this is why I say this" or "this is why we want you to do this." As they mature, let them know the reasons we expect certain behavior. Once they know and understand and it gets into their hearts it belongs to them.

"Bobby" is an example of a child who was drilled with "because I say so" but was never schooled in the reasons. Bobby’s crowd began drinking. His mother "freaked out" and assumed an authoritarian posture. "If I catch you drinking and driving I’ll make your life miserable!" Mom was acting for the good of the boy. She was the parent and had the right to insist on more mature behavior from her son. But she failed to internalize the lessons so the boy understood. She never explained to him the dangers of drinking and how it could lead to further irresponsible behavior, loss of control and even an accident or death. Bobby thought he was old enough to make his own choices. One night he too much. Fearful of his mother finding out he decided not to call her. He tried driving home on his own but didn’t make it. The mother and young child he hit were severely injured. (Phil McGraw, Family First (New York: Free Press), p.167).

Contrast this story with another teenage boy whose dad did school him in the reasons for not drinking. He still experimented. He drove home from one teen party with a beer in his hand. Thinking how it would hurt his mom and dad to see him with that, the boy opened the window and threw the beer out. Sure, he littered, but he did honor his dad’s instruction. "Listen, my son."

Dads, our kids do listen. Let's teach.

Warren Baldwin

FATHER FIGURE

Welcome to Titus 2 In Action - Father Figure

I am excited to be part of this new blog called Titus 2 In Action. Each writer in this group will be contributing to a specific issue that is important to the family.

All of us are from families! God in his great wisdom chose the family as the means to bring new life into the world and to nurture that new life to adulthood.

When followed faithfully, God's plan for family works wonderfully. But, being the fallen creatures that we are, we don't always follow God's plan for our own lives or that of our families. When that happens disruption can occur, with varying degrees of severity. Families can be stressed, behavior can be sinful, and the blessings that God intended to shower upon the family can be lost. Instead of the refreshment of blessing, families struggle through drought.

But, we need never despair! God's word spoken in even the driest, harshest climate can rejuvenate life and usher in those showers of blessings we thought we missed. It is God's purpose to restore every man, woman and child to himself, and with that, the family.

In Titus 2 In Action we want to share what we know about God's will and purpose for the family. My column in particular will be about fatherhood. I will share my insights into fatherhood based on my experiences with fathers, particularly my own dad and my own role as a father.

My kids are almost all grown now: one is 24, one 21 and the youngest is 17. But, I continue to read and study about parenthood because I am still a parent. How I exercise that role has changed, but I am still a dad and always will be. That is why I continue to study and try to learn. I hope some of that will be beneficial to the readers of this blog!

I hope you will become a regular follower of Titus 2 In Action. If you have any questions you would like to see me or any of us address, please feel free to communicate with us!

God bless,

Warren Baldwin