Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage - What Men Need

This is the fourth message in my "Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage" series. If you missed any messages in this series, follow this link.

This week we continue talking about what men need:

Sincere Love

Love is a need we value most in our marriages. But as Romans 12:9 tells us, love must be sincere. Everything we do for our spouses has to come from a sincere heart of unconditional love.

My husband can tell when I am doing something for him out of obligation instead of love. I can tell as well, because I don't feel fulfilled; I feel resentful. But when I meet his needs out of sincere heart of love, I enjoy him and desire to do more things for him.

"Dear Children, we must show love through actions that are sincere..."
1 John 3:18, GW

Love isn't based on feelings. True love is based on knowing God unconditionally loves us and He is able to supply our needs. God meeting our needs means that our satisfaction and expectations should be in Him alone, not in what our spouses do or don't do for us.

A woman struggling in her marriage said, "I need to work daily to release my husband from having to fulfill me where only God can."

When our spouses aren't meeting our needs, we can still find fulfillment in knowing God loves us and meets our needs (Phil. 4:9). This will help us love our spouses freely without demanding anything in return.

To Be Pursued

Another need men shared was affection and intimacy with their wives. One man in my survey expressed, "I need my wife to still pursue me."

My husband expresses his love for me by being affectionate. Many times his complaint is that I'm always running around taking care of the kids that I don't stop and show him affection. I notice when I purposely show him affection, it draws him closer to me.

We should pursue our husbands, and show them we are still crazy about them.

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Understanding

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 21:9

Another need men shared was for their wives to be more understanding, to not hold grudges, and not be quick to argue. Many arguments in marriages start simply because men and women perceive things differently.

I am still amazed how different my husband and I see things. We could be at the same place, at the same time, see the same thing happen, and yet see something completely different. Sometimes I'm dumbfounded to the point that I think one of us has to have lost our mind.

I can be positively sure I am right about something, and my husband's positively sure he's right. If we don't drop it, it causes an argument and turns into a big brawl.

"Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels." 2 Timothy 2:23

Reverence For The Lord

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

The greatest thing we can do for our spouses is live in reverence to Christ. Women often view the Proverbs 31 wife as impossible to measure up to. Some see the focus as having to accomplish everything and be a perfect wife.

The kind of wife Proverbs is talking about is a wife whose total dependence is on God. Her whole being, her mind, her heart, her actions are aimed in one direction, God's. As a result, she is able to do it all. Not by her strength and might, but by God's power and strength. The proverbs 31 wife's heart is undivided toward God. That is the reason her household is blessed.

When I asked women in my survey what plays a major role in the success of their families, a majority attributed their success to putting God at the center of their families. One woman wrote, "Without having God in my life, my marriage would not have lasted this long. Without having the forgiveness and loving spirit that God has given me, I don't know if we would still be married."

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12

*This series will continue March 2nd with: "What Women Need"

Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage - What Men Need

This is the third message in my "Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage" series. Follow this link if you missed the last two messages in this series.

In the last message, I talked about the importance of communicating our needs with our spouses and being honest with our feelings. For the next several posts, I'll be sharing what men and women need, according to the Bible and a survey I posted for my book.

We'll start today with: What Men Need

Respect

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

Our husbands need to know that we respect them and are proud of them. Ephesians 5:33 says that a husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and a wife must respect her husband. My husband and I attended a Bible study on this verse years ago.

I have heard women misinterpret this verse and become defensive and say, "Well, a man should respect his wife too." My husband and I learned through this study that men and women see things differently.

For instance, when I build my husband up, by letting him know how much I appreciate him for being our provider, I am showing him respect, which he views as me showing love toward him.

This is how our husbands want us to show them love, by respecting them. I, however, see my husband show me love in more physical ways, like going out of his way to romance me, helping me with the housework and kids, and listening to me. His acts of love show me that he respects me. We are both showing love and respect, but in different ways.

One woman in my survey shared how she shows her husband respect, "I try to make sure he knows that I appreciate all that he does to take care of me, not just monetarily, but with the remodeling of our home and even car repairs."

Just a little "I appreciate all that you do" is what our husbands want. It will motivate them to be better husbands, better fathers, and better providers if they have us cheering them on through life.

Companionship

"Enjoy life with your wife (or husband), whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun..."
Ecclesiastes 9:9 (emphasis mine)

My husband is truly my best friend. We have a lot of fun together and we miss each other when we are apart. I've learned as with all friendships, to have a friend you have to be a friend. This especially applies to marriage. To be a good friend to our husbands we have to be considerate with their interests and not selfish with our own.

Warren Baldwin wrote a great post about men's needs, and understanding their interests. He wrote:

If a husband invites his wife to a ball game, a day hike or even a deer hunt, that is his way of saying, "I love you and want to be close to you." It may not have quite the romantic appeal to many wives that a movie and dinner out does, but realizing the husband's intent may help make the invitation a little more desirable (or at least bearable).

I see too many married couples living separate lives, doing their own things. This only pulls couples further apart. I don't exactly enjoy watching football or hockey, but I enjoy spending time with my husband. We should enjoy being with our spouses, no matter what we do. I've found the more I spend time doing what my husband enjoys, the more he spends time with me doing what I enjoy.


This series will continue on 2/17!

*Next week is National Marriage Week. I am giving away the Kindle version of "You Can Have a Happy Family" for FREE at Amazon ALL DAY Wed & Thurs (2/8-2/9). Be sure to download your free copy and re-ignite that fire in your marriage for Valentine's Day!

Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage - Honest Communication

We continue our series on igniting the fire in your marriage. Follow this link if you missed the first message in this series.

To ignite the fire in our marriages, we must pursue our spouses' hearts by making an effort to meet their needs.

My husband and I have had many rough patches in our marriage. There were times when I honestly didn't want to pursue his heart. If your marriage is at this point, don't give up hope. God can re-ignite a fire in your heart and change your desire for your spouse. Pray and ask God. He is faithful to change your heart.

In the meantime, do it on purpose, even though you don't feel like it. My husband once shared with his co-worker some of nice things I do for him. His co-worker retorted, "I wouldn't do that for my husband! I'm not his servant!" My husband responded that I enjoy doing those things for him, and he enjoys doing things for me as well.

Meeting our spouses' needs doesn't mean we become their slaves, giving them everything they want. Marriage is about giving and receiving. And just like financial giving, we have to sow in order to reap.

To meet our spouses' needs we need to communicate with them. "Honest" communication is vital for a healthy marriage. I emphasize the word "honest" because it won't do our marriages any good if we are communicating with our spouses, but not being completely honest.

Last week, my husband and I had a long, meaningful talk together. With having four children, it's often hard to find time alone to talk to each other. We hadn't had a long talk in awhile, and I felt a little wall slowly building up between us.

During our talk, we shared some things that we had been holding in, that bothered us about our relationship. We were able to talk about our needs and be honest with our feelings. As we were honest, we felt that wall come down and our hearts draw closer together.

My husband expressed how nice it was to be able to be honest with his feelings and struggles. In the past, he wasn't able to be honest with me, because I wasn't understanding. I would get angry when he shared anything I didn't like or agree with.

It's important to allow your spouse to be honest without judging them or taking offense. Give your spouse the freedom to be open with his struggles, needs, and desires. Pray and ask God to help you be compassionate. God was the only one who was able to change me. He can do the same for you.

Sometimes our spouses' needs may not be what we want to give them, but as long as their needs are fitting in the Lord, we should pursue to meet them.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10, KJV

Come back in two weeks as the series continues...

*If you desire to have a godly marriage, order "You Can Have a Happy Family" on Amazon. It's lowered to only $8.04 for paperback and $5.99 for Kindle (free for prime members). I promise your marriage will be blessed!

Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage

As I was getting ready to share the different needs men and women have, I was preparing a series on my other blog about igniting the fire in our Spirits. I thought that topic would be great to use for marriage as well. What better way to meet our spouses' needs than through a heart that is truly blazing for them.

Our hearts are usually on fire for the Lord, but not so much for our spouses. When in fact, we should be as excited being one with our spouses as we are being one with Christ.

After returning from our honeymoons, the blazing hearts we have for our spouses start to simmer down as life goes on. Once we start to have children, the fire that is left often gets extinguished as the kids take precedence over our relationships with our spouses.

But with God's help we can re-ignite that fire in our marriages and set our hearts blazing again for our spouses!

Igniting the fire doesn't mean we have to feel romantic toward our spouses 24/7. My husband and I have 4 children ages 2 to 10. With all the commotion in our home, we don't exactly have a lot of time for romance. Our kids are constantly active. A day doesn't go by where someone doesn't get hurt, something doesn't get broken or spilled, and a fight doesn't break out over a toy.

At the end of the day, when our kids are in bed, my husband and I don't break out the candles and wine and gaze into each others' eyes. Rather, we usually snuggle up together and then gaze at the inside of our eyelids while passing out in exhaustion.

But that doesn't mean we are not on fire for each other. Our fire is enjoying being with each other during the chaos life throws at us. Our fire is having a marriage filled with unconditional love. Our fire is trusting that no matter what happens, we will stand beside each other until death do us part.

I believe this is the type of fire in our marriages God desires for us—marriages that will continue blazing even through the storms in life.

I am doing this Ignite The Fire In Your Marriage series bi-weekly on Fridays for as many weeks as the Lord leads me. I believe this will be a powerful series that will ignite that fire in your heart, first for the Lord, and then for your spouse, so your marriage can stand strong through the storms in life.

Don't forget to come back on Friday 1/20 as the series continues. Until then, God bless!

Flee From Adultery

I planned on using the next few marriage posts to discuss the different needs men and women have. But since I will not be posting again until January, I am going to save it for the new year.

I wanted to share something my husband did recently that made me so proud of him.

My husband is a straight forward, tell you like it is, man. I've always admired that about him. There is no sugar coating with him. If you are doing something wrong, he'll tell you.

Recently one of his co-workers, who is married, showed my husband a rather explicit email he received from his ex-girlfriend. The man proudly showed it off as if implying, "Isn't that cool?"

Of course, my husband didn't hold back his opinion. "Are you crazy?" my husband yelled, while reminding him of his wife and children.

A few days later, my husband overheard his co-worker whispering on the phone at his desk at work. My husband knew he was talking to the woman, so he started sending him warning messages that popped up on his computer.

"Run!" he wrote. "Flee from it!" he warned. "Don't throw away your family" he reminded him. He then wrote a message illustrating his family as the light and the girl as the darkness, while admonishing him to choose the light.

After the man got off the phone, he came up to my husband and, with gratitude, thanked him for snapping him back to reality. He is a non-believer, but he surprisingly acknowledged Jesus in my husband for showing him the light.

Later that evening, my husband received a call from his co-worker's wife. Though she wasn't too happy with her husband, she was thankful my husband stopped him. She was grateful my husband didn't sit back and silently watch her husband be led astray by the seductive words of his ex-girlfriend.

"With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life." Proverbs 7:21-23

I am so proud of my husband for not keeping silent. I praise him for using Godly wisdom and fighting for that family.

"Brothers, if someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Galatians 6:1

If you are "flirting" around with temptation today, flee from it! Run and don't look back! The more this man "flirted" with the temptation, the more it blinded him from reality. If God hadn't used my husband to be the voice of reason, I'm sure he would have fallen into the deadly trap that would have cost him his family.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins man commits are outside the body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." 1 Corinthians 6:18

Thoughts on the Movie Courageous

Thoughts on the Movie Courageous

Occasionally a movie both entertains and challenges you. Courageous did that for Cheryl and me when we watched it at our local theater last week.

As a husband and father I was challenged to reassess my roles in both of these relationships. Do I honor my wife as I should? Am I consciously attempting to lead her closer to God? I was also encouraged in my role and inspired to keep at with joy. The role models in the movie for being a better husband were not based on guys who were doing it perfectly; they were guys who struggle with the every day issues of life. In the movie they failed, they suffered heart break, they wandered from active faith, and they had to realign their lives with what God wanted for them. They were very believable characters the rest of us guys could relate to.

Photo compliments of Jenny Ann Photography

All three of my kids are raised, so the parts of the movie that addressed parenting to younger children addressed a situation in my life that is long gone. But, that didn’t keep me from reflecting on my continuing role as a dad. Even though my kids are raised, and the nature of our relationship has changed (with the two older ones we are enjoying more of a friend relationship now than parent-child), I am still their dad. As such, I still have a responsibility to them to function as a husband to their mother and a father to them, though in a different fashion now. I am not responsible for their decisions and behavior, but I can still influence them. Courageous encouraged me to think about these things in a fresh and exciting way.

Photo compliments of Jenny Ann Photography

I appreciated the fact that Courageous addresses the role of a father in a way that is not condescending or judgmental. It is hopeful and encouraging. While the movie is about dads there is something for everyone. Men, women, teenagers and even children will enjoy Courageous and benefit from it. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t wait much longer!

Warren Baldwin

Men's and Women's Needs

After Thanksgiving dinner last week, a few of the ladies and I decided to brave the crowds and go out Christmas shopping.

While we were driving to the mall, we got on the discussion of how funny it is when our husbands try to give us what they need, thinking it's what we need.

One of the women shared how she's worn out from going to school full-time. When she comes home from class in the evening, her husband can't keep his hands off her.

She jokingly expressed, "You want to turn me on? Do the dishes. That impresses me." We all laughed and agreed that helping with household chores and the kids is what helps us feel more affection for our husbands.

It's interesting how different God made men and women, and how different our needs are. And unless we learn what our spouses need, we will naturally try to give them what we need.

I have noticed this in my marriage. Many times I try to do things for my husband to show him my love. I do his laundry, make his lunch, clean up the house and have dinner ready when he comes home from work. Though he enjoys having clean clothes and meals prepared, he'd rather have my attention and affection. That is what draws him closer to me.

I, on the other hand, feel loved by my husband when he goes out of his way to help me around the house. When he surprises me by organizing the pantry or folding a basket of laundry, it shows me that he cares about me because he's thinking of me. Though I enjoy his attention and affection, I'm more drawn to him when he helps me.

How about you? Have you noticed that your needs are
different than your spouse's needs?

I thought for the next couple posts on marriage (12/16, 12/30), I would share the different needs men and women have. When I ran an online survey for my book, I discovered the needs men and women shared were clearly different.

I believe God gave us different needs to compliment each other, not to frustrate us. As we learn about our spouses' different needs, and lean on God to help us meet their needs, we will draw closer together and truly be one with our spouses.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24, KJV

New Contributing Author on Marriage Matters

Hello everyone! My name is Amanda Beth. I am the new bi-weekly guest contributor for “Marriage Matters” here at Titus 2. My husband, Jason, and I have been married for 15 years. We have four beautiful children, ages two to ten.

My husband and I had a rough relationship for the first half of our married life. Ten years ago, I was buried in sin and desperate for change. I was in a pit and had no clue how to get out. That’s when I turned to God. He lifted me out of my pit and slowly began to transform me, my marriage, and my family.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

—Psalm 18:16-19

Two and a half years ago, God called me to write my first book about my journey to find contentment in my marriage and my family. I am still amazed how God used my testimony and turned it into a teaching tool to help other families find healing and contentment in their homes.

The book is titled “You Can Have a Happy Family – Steps to Enjoying Your Marriage and Children.” It is available at: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and CreateSpace. It is also available on my website amandabeth.net and my blog sharingtruths.com.

Even though God has done an amazing work in my family, we still have our struggles and He is still working. My prayer is that God would use my upcoming posts to encourage you that you are not alone.

I want to thank all the contributors here at Titus for inviting me to be part of their wonderful blogging family. I am looking forward to this opportunity to share what God has taught me in my marriage.

God bless you,

The Widow Next Door

I notice my husband, Jeff, standing very still at the living room window. At the moment, however, I am busy chasing our two-year-old son. On my second pass through the living room, I see Jeff putting his shoes back on.

He had only been home from work a few minutes.

“Where are you going?”

“The garbage trucks came by two days ago, but Kay’s trashcans are still on the curb.”

Jeff says this with a sense of urgency that I fail to understand.

“That’s nice, Honey, but could you bring them in for her after you help me get this boy into the bathtub?”

“Denise, she has M.S., remember? Maybe the cans are still out there because she’s having one of those spells. Maybe she needs help.”

I feel silly. Here I am, the person who is in this house every minute of every day, yet I am not the one who notices our neighbor’s trashcans still sitting on the street.

Jeff knocks on her door.

After a few minutes of no response, I assume she’s not home – even though her car is in the driveway.

“Come on, Jeff. Let’s get her cans for her and go home.”

But Jeff insists on giving Kay more time.

“She has to move slowly,” he says, “so we have to give her extra time to answer the door.”

I realize he’s right. Again.

A moment later, Kay opens her door. She looks tired, but she assures us that she’s fine. She’s just having a rough couple of days, physically speaking. We exchange numbers, though, so she can call us if she ever needs anything.

* * * * *

This happened more than five years ago. Everything was okay, but I learned an important lesson. We have a responsibility to our neighbor, in a real and tangible sense. And Jeff was much more attuned to this need than I was.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:

to look after orphans and widows." – James 1:27a

God calls His people to care for widows and orphans.

Over the years, I have observed Jeff, on more than one occasion, caring for widows and orphans. Because Jeff is an orphan himself, he has an expanded heart for those who have lost someone through death. Kay is a widow in her mid-fifties. She lives alone, and she lives with Multiple Sclerosis.

Through my husband, God has opened my eyes to see needs around me that I previously couldn’t see.

This past Sunday night, our doorbell rang. Kay brought over a large bag of candy and asked us to pass it out to trick-or-treaters. She doesn’t have the strength to get up and answer the door every few minutes when more kids come by, but she wanted to participate in the neighborhood’s festivities in some way.

So on Halloween night, she kept her porch light on, and she posted a sign on her door that directed foot-traffic to our house, where we dispersed candy from two different bowls: hers and ours.

It was such a small thing. But it made me smile.

Our relationship with our neighbor is due to my husband noticing something everyone on our cul-de-sac, including myself, missed. But Jeff realized its larger significance. And he took the time to care.

Is there someone on your street you could reach out to?

Do you know a widow who your family could include?

God's Given You The Best

God’s Given You the Best

“The man said, ‘This is not bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.’ for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they became one flesh.” Genesis 2:23-24

After Jesus quoted this is Matthew 19:5 He went on to say in verse 6, “so they are not longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.” I don’t know how we can take that any other way. God places a high value on marriage and so should we.

Trust that no matter how bad your marriage is, God can and will change you and your spouse if you will trust and allow Him to. Change your thoughts to what God can do. When our thoughts and actions are in agreement with God, nothing is impossible.

Malachi reveals God’s ultimate plan for our marriages. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” Malachi 2:15

Satan works hard to try to destroy our marriages because he knows God’s plan for us is to raise up godly children. He knows the power in two hearts, surrendered to God’s will, and the positive impact their generations will have. God’s plan is to take us from where we are in our marriages and bring us together as one. Satan’s plan is to convince us we need to find someone better.

Some spouses think they need to find someone better because they married someone they were not warned not to. God warns us not to be unequally yoked before we get married, and He warns us in many other ways for our own good. He gives us these warnings because He knows ahead of time the heartache and problems we will face.

However, it doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that we should get a divorce when we realize we made a mistake and married someone who wasn’t God’s first choice for us.

David in the Bible is a perfect example. He married Bathsheba after he committed adultery with her and had her husband killed. Do you think it was God’s will for David to have another man’s wife? Second Samuel 11:27 says, ‘David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.”

David acknowledged he did wrong and repented. God used their second son, Solomon, to be the direct line to Jesus. I believe God purposely did that to sow us that He sees light in every darkness.

God can bring light out of every wrong thing we have done. He can take any wrong and turn it around for our good if we turn to Him. ‘If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become dark around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:11-12

God works with us in whatever situation we are in. He calls us right where we are. His commands are always His first choice for us. He gives us these commands because He sees what we can’t see, and He knows what’s best for us.”

From You Can Have a Happy Family (pp.58-62), by Amanda Beth. Used by Permission.

Note: Amanda’s book is an excellent treatise on marriage and family. It deals with practical issues in a biblical and common sense manner. You will enjoy it. Amanda has given me an extra copy to share with readers. Anyone who comments here will be entered into a drawing for a free copy of You Can Have a Happy Family. Amanda maintains a couple of blogs, Sharing the Truths Behind the Truth and Enjoying Your Family.

Prayer

As I study the book of Colossians, I am struck by the fervor with which Paul prayed. In the third verse, he says, "We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you." Yet, when Paul wrote this letter to the church at Colossae, he had never met them personally.  He had only heard about them from their pastor, Epaphras. This means that Paul was praying for people he had never met.

I don't know about you, but I have a hard enough time making sure I spend enough time in prayer for the people I do know!

Of course, there are times when I pray for people I don't know personally. Sometimes I pray for the people our missionary friends come in contact with, especially when we receive another e-newsletter from around the globe. I also pray for some of you, my "blogging friends," whenever I read about a particular situation you may be going through. For the most part, though, I go about my days as "busy" as everyone else, trying to squeeze in some quiet time at night when everyone is in bed asleep.

So Paul's words are keeping me awake these days. He prayed. A lot. And for people he didn't even know. I'd like to be more like Paul when it comes to prayer.

Naturally, when I pray there are some names that are first to mind: Jeff, Simone, Brynn, and Parker. I don't think it's possible to pray too much for the people we love most. It's probably not possible to pray too much for anyone. After all, Paul said to "pray continually" (I Thessalonians 5:17).

So I think I'll sign off and go do just that.

Who are you praying for today?

Money Makeovers and Attitude Adjustments

During our first year of marriage, Jeff brought home a book called “Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey. (It must have been a first edition or something.) Needless to say, Jeff devoured it. He is, after all, an accountant.

I, however, cannot say that his newfound delight peaked my interest very much. (Forgive me; I think I was busy reading some seriously theological stuff at the time, like the Left Behind series.)

I remember the basic financial principles though. They were something like, “Blah, blah, blah. Emergency fund. Blah, blah, blah. Snowball. Blah, blah, blah. Debt free.” Yep, that about sums it up.

In all sincerity, though, I thought it sounded very nice. Very responsible and all that. Very Jeff.

But, like I said, I didn’t really get into it with quite the same fervor. It was more Jeff’s speed. And I was more than happy to let him go about his merry way, planning our finances and our future, while I moved on to another book series. (Forgive me; I think it was Harry Potter.)

Fast-forward to a crashing economy and a three-year run of company-down-sizing.

Um, gee, what can I say? I’m glad I married an accountant. Actually, I’m glad I married Jeff. He had the foresight, not to mention the self-discipline, to prepare us for darker days.

Our church is currently offering Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. It’s a 13-week series to help people get on track with their finances. We’ve enrolled, and I have to say that my attitude is different this time. While the information is the same, I am much more willing to participate in the program’s plan, and I am no longer defaulting to Jeff’s strengths and letting him take on the bulk of this responsibility.

Have you participated in this program? Or one similar to it?

TREASURE in Marriage

Treasure in Marriage

In her book, Discovering the Treasure of Marriage Dr. Debbie Cherry teaches distressed and angry spouses to like each other again by teaching them to treasure their husband or wife. Each letter in the word T-R-E-A-S-U-R-E stands for positive thought or action we can take toward our spouse to give them our heart and value them in our own.

T = Think Positively about your husband or wife. Intentionally overlook irritating behaviors in him or her and focus attention on what is good.

R = Respect your spouse. To respect means to hold in high regard and treat with consideration and care.

E = Enjoy the company of your partner. “Rejoice in the wife (or husband) of your youth” (Prov. 5:18). Remember when pleasure and laughter was natural to the relationship? It can be again.

A = Attend to the needs of your spouse, serving them and offering genuine praise.

S = Shield your husband or wife from hurtful words and behaviors (maybe even from you). “Love always protects” (1 Cor. 13:7).

U = Understand your spouse’s needs. Give the attention it takes to learn what those needs are. The golden rule for marriage is: “Do unto others as they need you to do.”

R = Romance your mate. Think about your spouse when you are apart and show love when you are together. When is the last date you had together?

E = Edify your partner. “Encourage one another and build each other up ...” (1 Thess. 5:11) ought to apply as much to marriage as any other relationship! One way to edify is to show appreciation. (Pp.66-76)

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” means we have control over where we place our affection. We have the power to decide to give our husband or wife our positive energy. We can treasure them and our hearts will follow. The joy and pleasure that characterized the early days of our marriage can thrive today when we honor our spouse as treasure from Heaven.

Warren Baldwin

It’s That Time of Year Again

It’s that time of year again when my husband’s birthday is just around the corner. Normally, I love planning birthdays. I love creating or thinking up “just the right gift.” However, Jeff, who is typically a most amiable fellow, can be very difficult to plan a birthday for.

When Jeff says he doesn’t want anything for his birthday, he means it. He doesn’t want stuff. Not anything. Nada. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. He’s the least materialistic person I know. But this can make for tricky birthday planning, especially when the kids really want to give Daddy something for his birthday.

For several years, I evaded this annual dilemma with the arrival of a new hobby. Jeff took up woodworking, which meant a whole new world in terms of tools required. Thus, every birthday, anniversary, and Father’s Day allowed the opportunity for me to find yet another piece of machinery for his workshop. The kids and I had a lot of fun with this, and I secretly suspect that Jeff did too.

These days, though, his workshop only requires the occasional saw-blade replacement. So I am back to square one when it comes to gift ideas. What do you get someone who doesn’t want anything?

Of course, the focus of any birthday celebration shouldn’t really be the presents. We’ve tried to emphasize this in our family as we have created our own family tradition for birthdays.

Yet, I must confess, it came about rather by accident.

Several years ago, I took the kids, who were toddlers at the time, to the nearest Party City. As we strolled the aisles, trying to pick out some festive – albeit masculine – birthday plates and napkins, my kids went chimpanzee on me when we came to the Little Einstein section of birthday paraphernalia.

This is obviously what they would have liked for their own birthday party, but they were convinced that Daddy would want the same thing. Needless to say, I went with it.

Daddy came home from work that night to a birthday dinner served on Little Einstein plates, complete with matching tablecloth, napkins, and cups. The kids loved it. So did I. And so did Jeff.

Our family birthday dinners have remained such ever since. The kids are no longer interested in Cinderella or Diego, but we still go with a new cartoon character for a themed family birthday dinner every year. And since there are five of us in our family, we do this five times a year.

So Jeff’s birthday is up next. The kids are voting for a Star Wars birthday. Again. It’s one of our favorites. But then there’s always the final question: what do we get him? He still doesn’t want anything.

I’m thinking we’ll probably give him the same thing we got him last year (and the year before): a Costco-sized jar of jellybeans, a mega-pack of his favorite chewing gum, and another case of his butter-free popcorn. We will have our Star Wars dinner, open our traditional “gifts,” and then watch a family movie while giving Daddy his own bowl of yucky popcorn.

Celebrating our birthdays the way we do is one of the things I’ve come to love most about our married life together. We’ve given each other permission not to stress about the whole gift-giving thing. And we’ve made it fun in a silly sort of way. The kids love it. Deep down, we do too.

Do you have a birthday tradition?

The Crucible of Marriage

In the beginning, God announces, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). So God makes Eve for Adam.

Then Paul comes along in the New Testament and proclaims, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (I Corinthians 7:8).

So . . .

It is not good to be alone.

But . . .

It is good to stay unmarried.

What are we to make of this apparent contradiction?

I appreciate the way Gary Thomas spoke to this paradox. In his book, Sacred Marriage, he says:

If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there’s no question – stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you’d never have to face otherwise. (21)

Thomas makes a valid point. If we want to serve Jesus, then remaining single frees us to do so more than we could if we were married. But if we want to become more like Christ, transformed into His image, then marriage is a sacred, God-designed relationship to help accomplish this.

Of course, we can still serve in the kingdom as married folks. And, of course, unmarried folks can become transformed into the image of Christ.

The real point being made is the nature – the intended purpose – for the marriage relationship.

Throughout the Old Testament, the analogy of marriage depicts God’s relationship to the people of Israel. Then in the New Testament, the analogy of marriage depicts Christ’s relationship to the church, His bride.

The marriage relationship is how God describes His love for us. Thus, in our own marriages, we have the blessed opportunity to love God by loving our spouse. As Thomas explains:

The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ. (22)

Perhaps thinking of marriage as a crucible sounds harsh. Or painful. That’s because it can be. But the beauty of marriage is what comes out of the crucible. A heart molded by God’s hand. A love shaped by Christ’s sacrifice.

To marry, or not to marry, is not the question. Rather, what do I envision the purpose of marriage to be? Do I see marriage as a means to my own happiness? Or do I see marriage as a way to love God and love another person and become transformed in the process?

What are your thoughts on God’s purpose for marriage?

 

Marriage: It's Not a 50/50 Sort of Deal

  
Like most couples, Jeff and I went to pre-marital counseling during our engagement. The pastor who married us had recommended someone he respected. And I’ll never forget our first meeting.

After the introductions, I noticed the many books sitting on his shelves. To my delight, I had read quite a number of them. I wanted to make a good impression, so I started book-dropping. That is, I casually pointed to the binding of several books nearby and mused aloud that I had read them.

I kept going too, until I came across one book that gave me pause. I had read it years earlier, but I never liked it at all. Something about the book’s premise never sat right with me. But I was young, and I didn’t know how to articulate what I really thought of this book’s message. Besides, this particular book was a major Christian bestseller. What did I know? So I kept my opinion about this book to myself, and I mentioned that I had read this one too.

Then the counselor kindly interrupted my self-aggrandizing monologue and said that he believed the book was counter to Christ’s teachings. I was shocked. Counter to Christ? As in opposed? I asked the counselor, “How do you mean?”

“Well,” he explained, “I try to read every book on the topic of Christian marriage that publishers release, but I was disappointed to find that this book focuses on the different ways that husbands and wives can, and should, meet their spouse’s needs.”

Right. I knew that already. But why is that counter to Christ’s teaching?

The counselor went on to explain that Christ was God (I knew that already too, but I guess the counselor wanted to start with the basics). Jesus could have demanded that people worship Him. He was God in the flesh after all. But that’s not what Jesus did. Jesus laid down his rights to the throne. Jesus came to serve, to give His life for ours. Jesus, “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant . . .”

I knew the counselor was now quoting the second chapter in Philippians. It’s one of my favorite passages. But as he continued, it was as though I was hearing the familiar words for the first time.

“. . . And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!”

The counselor didn’t finish until he had quoted the entire passage. I stood there motionless. The words flowed from somewhere deep within him. And they were more than mere words. They were Truth. And Truth resonates in our spirit.

Marriage, as our counselor explained, is not about giving 50/50. It’s not a you-scratch-my-back-and-I-will-scratch-yours kind of relationship. Marriage is not meant to be self-serving. It’s not solely about having your needs met by your spouse. Yes, we have God-shaped needs. And, yes, the marriage relationship is designed to meet some of those needs to some degree.

But only God can fill the deepest longings of our soul. And God wants us to look to Him as the ultimate Source to fill those vacuous places that ache within us. If we go into marriage expecting our spouse to meet our every need, we will be disappointed. No human spouse can do what God alone can do.

That first pre-marital counseling session was life-changing for me. The counselor put into words what I knew deep down to be right. And he helped Jeff and me to build a solid foundation for our future marriage – one that requires selfless sacrifice and service, not selfish demands and expectations.

What lessons did you learn from pre-marital counseling?

Or what lessons did you learn early on in your marriage relationship?

The Hazards of Marrying a Handyman

When I met Jeff, he was an accountant.

When I married Jeff, he was an accountant.

But when our washer broke down, Jeff turned into a handyman.

I didn't know what happened. Jeff had the machine pulled apart within minutes - parts strewn across the laundry floor. And he had this look of consternation about him. A serious manner overtook his usual joking self.

You would have thought Agent 007 was on the job.

Suddenly, he needed more tools, which devolved into a two-hour detour of scavenging through the garage. Once said tools were acquired, the repair commenced.

To my amazement (and I mean that in the nicest possible way), he fixed it. Well, I mean, he mostly fixed it. There remained a certain temperamental attitude with the machine after that first fix. Closing the door required a sort of hip-to-door action while one hand simultaneously pushed the starter knob.

But hey, it worked.

After Jeff successfully repaired the washer, though, it became something of a personal matter to him that it remained thus repaired. Any subsequent break-downs were forever-after perceived as a personal affront to him. It was as if our washer had become our very own Moby Dick. There, lurking amongst the sloshing laundry water, a menacing creature was ready to take Jeff down at any given moment. And Jeff wasn't about to give in.

By the umpteenth break-down, and years of hip-bruising door-maneuvering on my part, I was begging my handy husband to ditch the machine, once and for all, and buy a new one. But Jeff wouldn't hear of it.

In fact, by this time, Jeff had all but convinced himself that he had missed his calling as a numbers-and-spreadsheets-kind-of-guy. He thought for sure that a destiny of repair-work beckoned his true name.

But I was now living in a house where an eclectic assortment of household appliances only sort of worked some of the time. Even our brand-new trash compactor would only receive trash, and not actually compact it, because of some cross-wiring incident. And I won't even get started on the abysmal state of install-them-yourself sprinklers in our backyard that have consumed countless hours of digging because the-one-who-shall-remain-nameless refuses to ever call someone, like a landscaper, for help.

But I digress.

These are merely a few of the hazards of marrying a handyman. However, I am frequently reminded of how much money we have supposedly saved with all of these do-it-yourself repairs.

He may be right. Only God knows.

So I confess. I pray for patience often. I've even been known to pray for my appliances on occasion. Hey, don't fault me here. I firmly believe that Jesus can fix anything - even my washer.

I probably pray a number of "please-fix-it" prayers.

Lord, please fix my short fuse.
Lord, please fix my faulty wiring.
Lord, please fix my connectors.

I wonder if Jesus ever gets tired of His bride always asking for Him to swoop in and fix stuff? You know, petty stuff? And quickly, too, if you don't mind?

With a Roman soldier's hammer and nails, Jesus already fixed everything.

Of course, some prayers feel as though forever is delayed. But I think He's been trying to teach me something about waiting.

Waiting for certain situations to get fixed.
Waiting for certain relationships to get fixed.
Waiting and then waiting some more.

My dear husband, with all of his handy antics, has taught me a lot about waiting. I wish I could say that I have never griped like an Israelite in a desert. But I can say that I have lived to see a Jordan River of my own part waters.

And the waiting was worth it.

What are you waiting for today?

Him vs. Her

In many ways, my husband and I fall squarely within traditional, stereotypical roles. Jeff goes to work while I stay home with the kids. But there are some things we do differently from the "norm."

For instance, Jeff knows exactly how much paprika is needed while I am busy trying to decipher a recipe that looks, to me, more like hieroglyphics.  Jeff can also grow real life vegetables from actual dirt while I am busy trying to figure out how to drag the hose that far.

On the other hand, I am comfortable changing the oil in our car while Jeff is trying to . . .  oh, wait, he  can do that too. Well, I can balance the checkbook while . . . come to think of it, he does that better too.

In fact, I am hard-pressed to find something I am better at. And wrapping presents (with neither the tape nor the paper-creases showing) doesn't count. The truth is, my husband is good at a lot of things. (It's rather annoying sometimes.)

Have you ever found yourself trying to compete with your spouse at something? Anything?

I can attest: it's not a great way to go. For starters, it pits you in a race against your spouse. And you're supposed to be on the same team! For another thing, it doesn't foster an attitude of appreciation for the unique benefits that each of you bring to the marriage.

I may not have received a W-2 form in nearly a decade. And I may not be a very good cook. There very well may be a number of household-kinds-of-tasks that I would much prefer parceling out if I could. But I can say that I make our house a home. In lots of little ways. I enjoy it too. Making our home "homey" makes me smile.

In all honesty, Jeff and I work pretty well together. That is, when I'm not griping about how much better he is at stuff than me. We need each other. He couldn't do what he does every day unless I did what I do every day.

Have you ever found yourself competing with your spouse over something silly? What did you learn from it?

Saying Grace

I can't say that we say "grace" before every meal - at least not where Corn Flakes are concerned. And most meals that come in a bag from a drive-thru window probably don't get "blessed" either. Perhaps they should.

But I can say that every evening, when our family gathers for dinner, we say "grace." Like many families, we pause to give thanks for God's goodness. And we ask His blessing.

About a week or so ago, my middle child sweetly asked if she could have the honors. Of my three kids, Brynn is the quiet one. Generally speaking, she'd rather let someone else do the "talking." So I was tickled when she actually wanted to say a prayer before dinner.

With great solemnity, she folded her small hands and asked in her most serious voice . . .

"Dear God, please help Mom's chili to taste good. Amen."

Well, I guess there's no hiding the fact that I'm not exactly known for my stove-top skills.

At my house, saying "grace" is more like an opportunity to give me grace. Lord knows I need it. Especially when it comes to cooking.

It makes me wonder. How often do we "say grace" to one another? In the little things. The inconsequential things. Extending grace - to people. Giving thanks - for people.

I think I need to practice "saying grace" throughout my day. Intentional grace-saying.

What would our marriages look like if we practiced speaking grace to one another throughout our day?

The picture is from a painting by one of my favorite artists - Norman Rockwell.

This Side of Eden

Before Adam and Even were cast out of Eden . . .
Before they hid from God in fear . . .
Before they took hold of the forbidden fruit . . .
Before they changed the cosmos with their choice . . .

 . . . The two of them must have enjoyed some amazing walks together.

Adam must have been thrilled to share the beauty of the garden with Eve.

Taking her by the hand, Adam must have delighted in showing Eve the Pishon River as it twisted through the garden, rushing past gold-filled land (Genesis 2:11).

I wonder if Eve smiled as Adam explained to her the names he had given each animal.

Time together. Just the two of them. And then to have their Creator join them at times, talking about their day, enjoying new discoveries in the garden.

Years later, I wonder how often Adam and Eve reminisced about the days they shared in Eden.

Did they tell their boys stories of what it was like there?

Or were they too busy toiling the land, working for the food they needed from the next harvest?

Had the sin that separated them from their early days also distanced them from each other?

None of us have perfect memories of a time gone past, for we are all on this side of Eden. But most of us can remember our early courtship, a time filled with sweet wondering and long walks. How often do we pause from the rush of daily toiling? How often do we choose stillness and quietude, taking the time to be together? It never happens on its own. It takes intentionality. Purpose.

For our first date, just the two of us, Jeff took me hiking on a trail just north of Pasadena. For Los Angeles County, it's surprisingly beautiful there, tucked away beyond the city, nestled against the foothills. The wooded path - padded with soft earth and draped with evergreen on each side - leads to a waterfall. The hush of the water calls from a distance.

Sometimes I think about that waterfall. I think about the hike. The rocks we balanced across. The feet we dangled in chilled water.

It's been more than a decade now. More than. We've been back a couple of times. Once with a baby wrapped snug against his chest. The sound of bees nearby made us flee. Such walks were no longer as easy as they once were.

But I have been thinking about that hike lately. I'd like to see it again. Is it the same as I remember?

For our marriage, and for any marriage, I think it's important to trace those early steps, to remember. And most importantly of all, to invite our Creator to walk with us, both there and then, and here and now.

What was your first date?